I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
