I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
