I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize