it's too hot outside to masturbate.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
