I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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