I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
