I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
