the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
