this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
