Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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