I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
