3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize