worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
