party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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