At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize