the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
