My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
