Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Im part way to drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
