I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love having hate sex.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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