someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
whose parrot is this?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
