i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize