I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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