I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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