I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
