I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
