I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cannot find my penis.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
