from now on my penis is your penis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
