So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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