Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Of course I have a pirate flag
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
