I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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