i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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