the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't tell me you're on acid again
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
