Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
