I need to stop coming to work sober
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize