What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
