Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
