I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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