I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
