He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
