Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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