I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
