I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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