I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
