Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
