Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
