Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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