before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
