Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
