yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
