I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm like, not good at living.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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