We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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