so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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