im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
