I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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