Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
