I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
