dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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