Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
