i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
